A journalist was assigned to the Jerusalem bureau
of his newspaper. He gets an apartment overlooking
the Wailing Wall.
After several weeks he realizes that whenever he looks
at the wall he sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously.
The journalist wondered whether there was a publishable
story here. He goes down to the wall, introduces himself
and says:
"You come every day to the wall. What are you
praying for?"
The old man replies: "What am I praying for?
In the morning I pray for world peace, then I pray
for the brotherhood of man. I go home, have a glass
of tea, and I come back to the wall to pray for the
eradication of illness and disease from the earth."
The journalist is taken by the old man's sincerity
and persistence.
"You mean you have been coming to the wall to
pray every day for these things?"
The old man nods.
"How long have you been coming to the wall to
pray for these things?"
The old man becomes reflective and then replies: "How
long? Maybe twenty, twenty-five years."
The amazed journalist finally asks: "How does
it feel to come and pray every day for over 20 years
for these things?"
"How does it feel?" the old man replies.
"It feels like I'm talking to a wall."
^
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A young executive was leaving the office
late one evening when he found the CEO standing in
front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive
and important document here, and my secretary has
gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the
machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start
button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper
disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
^
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The man came home drunk at four in the
morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at
him, crying because she thought he was with another
woman.
"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was
so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold."
She said she didn't believe him so she called the
bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question.
My husband claims to have spent the night at your
bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered
in gold?"
To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence,
I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."
^
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday
morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to
the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began
to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!"
she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll
be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly
as he remained in the fetal position still clasping
his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help
him.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands
inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How
does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my
thumb still hurts like hell!"
>
<^
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The famous sex therapist was on the
radio taking questions when a caller asked, "Doctor,
I want to know, why do men always want to marry a
virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
^
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A young man was very excited because he just won
a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened
as he realized his seat
was in the back of the stadium.
As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better
seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat
and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone
pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's
seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since
the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry
to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative
to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at
the funeral."
^
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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their
wives.
The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could
try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing
it doggy-style."
"Doggy-style? Did she go for it?"
"I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged,
she rolled over and played dead."
^
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This man and his wife were out playing golf when
he hit a big slice and ended up behind a big building.
His wife said, "Look, both doors are open. If you
can hit it through there with a little draw on it
you could be pretty close to the green." He looked
it over and decided to do it.
He hit the ball, the ball hit the building, bounced
back, hit his wife in the head and killed her on the
spot.
A few years later, the man remarried, and was out
playing golf with his new wife, he ends up in the
same spot, behind the building.
His new wife says,"look, both doors are open. If you
can hit it through there with a little draw on it
you could be pretty close to the green."
The man said, "Oh no, I tried that once and took a
double-bogie."
^
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat
on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock,
and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time,"
he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going
to answer that?" says his wife.
So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is a man standing at the
door. It doesn't take the homeowner long to realize
the man is drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can
you give me a push?"
"No, get lost! It's half past three! I was in
bed!" screams the man as he slams the door. He
goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.
She remarks, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of
you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring
rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby
sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to
get us started again? What would have happened if
he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," explains the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be nice to help
him."
So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed,
and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can't
see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"
He hears a voice cry out, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" shouts the homeowner.
The stranger calls back, "I'm over here, on your
swing."
^
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A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress
comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's
the special of the day?"
"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman
next to you got the last bowl."
The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress
goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man
next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of
chili remained uneaten.
"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.
"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring
the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he
noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of
the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just
eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's
as far as I got, too."
^
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Two friends went out to play golf and
were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that
his partner had only one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?"
he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed
one.
"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What
happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special
golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another
one."
"Well," the friend asked, "what happens
if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special
golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees
and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?
"The other guy replied, "That's okay too.
You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon.
I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say
our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit
your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to
do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "You
see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see
it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf
ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get
a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
^
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Two football players were taking an important final
exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation
and not allowed to play in the big game the following
week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question
read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer.
But he knew he needed to get this one right to be
sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped
Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the
answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor
hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old
MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember
now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started
to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered,
"Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy.
Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."
^
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Kimo is a bus driver for the Honolulu Transit Company.
One day Kimo is headed to work on his bus route, when
he runs across a delivery van stranded at the side
of the road. The van driver works for the Honolulu
Zoo.
He pleads with Kimo to do him a favor.
He offers a $100 bill to Kimo to help him deliver
a truckload of penguins to the zoo, because they needed
to be there within the hour.
Agreeing, Kimo proceeds to load two dozen penguins
onto his bus. Then, off they drive towards the zoo.
An hour later, the delivery driver gets his van fixed
and heads off to the zoo to catch up with his delivery.
As he's driving down the road, he see's Kimo and the
busload of penguins heading in the opposite direction.
He turns his van around and chases in pursuit.
He finally catches up to the bus and pulls over Kimo
on the side of the road.
In an irate voice he asks, "Hey, Kimo. I thought
I gave you a $100 dollars to go and take the penguins
to the zoo for me?"
"Calm down," Kimo says. "I took the
penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now
I'm taking them to the movies!"
^
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two
young people show up. One is a good looking guy in
his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde
about the same age.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to
sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate
my last tamer so you both better be good or you're
history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip,
and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks
past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right
into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and
pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open
her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls
up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues
to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his
head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks,
"I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can
you top that?"
"No problem," replies the young man, "just
get that lion out of the way."
^
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Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor,
a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three
offended the king and were sentenced to die on the
same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was
led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor
to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head
up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing!
Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above
the doctor's neck.
Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed
the first time the prisoner had to be released, so
the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head
up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up," said the chemist.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing!
Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the
chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution
didn't succeed the first
time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist
was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" asked the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could
cut the rope, the engineer yelled out, "WAIT!
I see what the problem is!"
^
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A young single guy finds himself stranded on a deserted
island.
As he washes ashore, he sees a women passed out in
the sand. Able to perform CPR on her, he saves her
life. Suddenly, he realizes that the woman is Cindy
Crawford.
Immediately, Cindy falls in love with the man. Days
and weeks go by, and theyre making passionate
love morning, noon and night. True Heaven on earth
in the mans eyes.
Alas, one day she notices hes looking kind of
glum. "Whats the matter, sweetheart?"
she asks. "We have a wonderful life together
and Im in love with you. Is there something
wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you
mind, putting on my shirt and pants?"
"Sure," she says," if itll help."
He takes off his shirt and pants and she puts it on.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw
a little mustache on your face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says,
and does so.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around
the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island.
He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half
way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes
up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude!
Youll never believe who Im sleeping with!"
^
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President John decided to have a face lift for his
birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really
great about the result. On his way home he stops at
a news-stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says
to the paper man,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old
do you think I am?" "About 35,"
was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," John says, feeling really
happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks
the order taker the same question, to which the reply
is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47!" This makes John feel
really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman
the same question. She replies, "I am 85
years old and my eyesight is going. But when I
was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age.
If I put my hand down your trousers for ten minutes
I will be able to tell your exact age."
As there was no one around, John thought what the
hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK,
it's done. You are 47."
Stunned John says, "That was brilliant! How did
you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was in the queue behind
you at McDonalds."
^
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the
magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over
and over again.
There was only one problem: The captains parrot
saw the shows every week and began to understand what
the magician did in every trick. Once he understood
that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, its not the same hat!"
"Look, hes hiding the flowers under the
table!"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades
?"
The magician was furious but couldnt do anything,
it was the captains parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of
the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter
a word. This went on for several days.
After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay,
I give up.
Whatd you do with the boat ?"
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived
next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen
and each morning would look in his garden and pick
up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the
hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman
pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him
that the egg belonged to him because he owned the
hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman
said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the
following actions:
"I kick you in the balls and time how long it
takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the
balls and time how long it takes for me to get up,
whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman
and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself
and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now
its my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
^
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A married man goes to confessional and tells the
priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped." The priest replies,
"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
Youre not to go near that woman again. Now,
say five Hail Marys and put £50 in the poor
box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his
prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses
for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest,
who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that. You didnt put any money
in the poor box!" The man replied,
"Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"
^
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all
night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants
hes ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the
best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How
do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well,
you could start by buying me a drink."
President John was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy
young woman entered. She was so striking that John
could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman
noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly
toward him. Before John could offer his apologies
for being so rude, The young woman said to him,
'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for £100 on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, John asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what
you want me to do in just three words.'
John considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out
five £20 notes, which he pressed into the young woman's
hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly,
meaningfully said,
'Paint my house.'
A young man was walking through a supermarket to
pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following
him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued
on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she
got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if
my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.
It's just that you look just like my son, who just
died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man,
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can
you say 'Good bye mother!' it would make me feel much
better."
"Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good
bye mother!" and felt quite good about himself
that he did a good deed and made someone feel happy.
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
his total was $127.50. "How can that be?"
he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her,"
said the clerk.
^
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A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to
know one another and started bantering back and forth
about male / female issues. They talked about who
was better in certain sports, who were the better
entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more
than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they
got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than
women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting
laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing
his point, even going so far as to ask other men in
the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished
making his point. Confident in the strength of his
argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman
countered. "Think about this - When your ear
itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle
it around, then pull it out, which feels better -
your ear or your finger?
Sam and Molly went for a divorce. The judge looked
down at them. "How old are you?" he asked.
"Ninety-six," replied Sam, "and Im
in the pink, the pink!"
"Ninety-two," said Molly, "and I feel
like sixty, judge!"
"And you want a divorce?" asked the judge.
"Yep, thats it, a divorce!" chirped
Sam.
"A complete divorce," echoed Molly, wiping
the air clean with her hand.
"Complete. I never liked her. Never." said
Sam.
"He made me nervous from the beginning,"
Molly said, "from the first day, I couldnt
watch him eat those sunflower seeds."
"How long are you married?" asked the judge,
more and more incredulous.
"Seventy-two years!" they said in unison.
"Seventy-two
?" The judge took a deep
breath. "But why did you wait so long?"
They looked at him like he was crazy, and Sam said,
"We wanted to wait until the children died."
^
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she
saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really
ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store
to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot
and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey
lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store
and said that she would sue the store and kill the
bird.
The store manager replied profusely and promised he
would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after
work the parrot called to her,
"Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for
a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit
of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished
his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He
goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into
the air, catches it above his head without even looking
and fires a shot into the ceiling.
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?"
he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF
MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH,
I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE
TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another
beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up
and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders
out of the bar and asks,
"Say partner, before you go... what happened
in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk
home."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She
asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black
negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so
it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last
minute. She dashed out and could only find a short
pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their
hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious,
so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom
and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her
suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown
in there.
"Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
She exclaimed.
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to
peek!"
^
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A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to
lunch at McDonalds. He noticed that they had ordered
one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the
gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half,
then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her,
until each had half of them. Then he poured half of
the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in
front of his wife. The old man then began to eat,
and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in
her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him
to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't
have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married
50 years, and everything has always been and will
always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going
to eat, and she replied,
"It's his turn with the teeth."
The real estate boss got a hot new secretary, and
he decided to put some moves on her. But within a
few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she
is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so
on. Finally, he pulls her aside, and has a little
talk with her.
"Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together
a few times, but who said you could start coming in
late and slacking off?"
The secretary's reply, "My lawyer!"
A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the
door and shouts,
"Honey, pack your bags, I won the lottery."
The husband says, "Wow! That's great! Should
I pack for the ocean or should I pack for the mountains?"
She says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out."
^
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A man holding a parrot came running and screaming
into a veterinarian's office. The vet immediately
brought him into an examining room. The vet carefully
examined the parrot, and then said to the man, "I'm
sorry, but this bird is dead." The man began
to cry, "No! No! That can't be true! I want another
opinion."
The vet thought a second, then said, "okay,"
and left for the back office. He returned with a Black
Labrador retriever.
The Black Lab sniffed and sniffed the bird, finally
letting out a low "woof" sound and looking
up at the vet.
The vet said to the man, "The dog thinks that
the bird is dead too."
The man said, "I don't believe it! I want another
opinion!"
The vet then left with the Black Lab and came back
with a cat. He placed the cat on the examination table.
The cat walked over to the bird and sniffed and nudged
it again and again. Finally, the cat shrugged its
shoulders and walked away from the bird.
The vet said, "The cat thinks it's dead too."
The man sighed and said, "I guess you're right.
How much do I owe you?"
The vet said, "That will be $600.00."
The horrified man said, "Six hundred bucks! Just
to tell me my bird is dead? That's ridiculous! That's
outrageous!"
The vet then said, "Well, I was going to charge
you $50.00, but then I had to include the Lab fees
and CAT scan."
Past President Neil went into a restaurant and was
seated. A particularly attractive waitress wearing
a very short skirt and legs that just kept going came
to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"
Neil looks at the menu then scans her beautiful body
from top to bottom, and answers,"A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks
him again, "What would you like, sir?"
Again Neil thoroughly looks her over and again answers,
"A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and
slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!"
and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers
to Neil, "I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ."
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After watching sales falling off for three straight
months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls
up the Pope and asks for a favour.
The Pope says, "What can I do? "
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily
prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to
'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it,
I'll donate 10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's
prayer and I can not change the words." So the
Colonel hangs up.
After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics,
and calls again."Listen your Excellency. I really
need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if
you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give
us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day
our daily chicken.'"
And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting,
Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good
with that much money. It would help us to support
many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is
the Lord's prayer, and I can't change the words."
So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months
of terrible sales. The Colonel gets desperate. "This
is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change
the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The Pope replies, "Let me get back to ,you."
So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his
bishops and he says, "I have some good news and
I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is
going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."
The bishops rejoice at the news.
Then one asks about the bad news. The Pope replies,
"The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Loaf
account."
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George Lunt takes wife Jane and son Alexander to
the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus
ring and Alexander says to his mother,
"What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," Jane replies.
"No, under the tail," says Alexander.
Jane is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."
Alexander turns to his father and repeats the same
question. George looks and says, "That's the
elephant's penis, son."
"So,why did mum say it was nothing?"asks
Alexander.
George draws himself up to his full height and says,
"Son, I've spoiled that woman."
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A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with
twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control
and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw
his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker,
sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother
replied,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have
a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a hurry
to get the birth certificates filed and since both
you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for
you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no,
what has he done now?" and said with trepidation,
"Well what did you name them?"
The brother replied, "I named the little girl
Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty
name! What did you come up with for my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."
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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and communication
equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could
not determine his position or course to steer to the
airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled,
drew a hand-written sign and held it in the helicopter's
window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in
large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building
window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine
the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport
and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked
the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER"
sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded,
"I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
because they gave me a technically correct but completely
useless answer."
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Mrs. Watson was terribly overweight, so her doctor
put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mrs. Lee returned, she shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mrs. Watson nodded.
"I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
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Two Irishmen decided that they weren't going anywhere
in life and thought they should go to college to get
ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who
tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's the Logic?" the first Irishman asks.
The professor answers by saying, "Let me give
you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have
a garden," replied the professor.
"That's real good!" says the Irishman.
The professor continues, "Logic will also tell
me that since you have a garden, you also own a house."
Impressed, the Irishman says, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that
you have a wife."
"That's Betty! This is incredible!"
The Irishman is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I
can assume that you are heterosexual," said the
professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most
fascinating thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take
that logic class!!"
The Irishman, proud of the new world opening up to
him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend
is still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking'?" asks
the friend.
"Math, History, and the Logic!" replies
the first Irishman.
"What is the logic???" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do you own a lawnmower?"
asked the first Irishman.
"No," his friend replied.
"SO YOUR A QUEER ARE YOU?"
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A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and
a redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of
an English Channel swim competition.
The brunette came in first,the redhead second.
The blonde womanfinally reached shore completely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked,
"I don't want to complain, but I think those
other two girls used their arms."
One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in
tiny small letters.
She turned around, scanned the class looking for the
guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw,
in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black
board.
Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found
the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
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A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents
tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no
avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they
decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic
school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised
when he walked in after school with a stern, focused
and very determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and
quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled
away in his room with math, books strewn about his
desk and the surrounding floor.
He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning
his plate, went straight back to his room,closed the
door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time
for the first quarter's report card.
The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the
dinner table and went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement,
she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's
room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father
asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring?
The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first
day, when I walked in the front door and saw that
guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they were serious!
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A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus
one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's
shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red
lipstick and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking
out of his pocket.
He opened he opened his newspaper and started reading---a
couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father
what causes arthritis"?
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt
for your fellow man".
"Well I'll be damned", the drunk muttered
and returned to reading his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said turned tothe
man and apologized.
"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong---how
long have you had arthritis"?
"I don't, father, I was just reading in the paper
that the Pope has arthritis
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms
race realized that if they continued in the usual
manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole
dispute with one dog fight.
They would have five years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and which ever sides dog won
would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them
with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected
only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter,
removed his siblings which gave him all the milk.
After five years came up with the biggest meanest
dog the world had ever seen.Its cage needed steel
bars that were five inches thick and nobody could
get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans
showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot
long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans
because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.When
the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of
its cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog.
The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its
cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when
it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck,
the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed
the Russian dog in one bite.There was nothing left
at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their
heads in disbelief. "We dont understand
how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and
Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"Thats nothing", an American replied.
"We had our best plastic surgeons working for
five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
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